I lost a friend a while ago.

A younger friend, which made it an even more heart wrenching event for me.

In a moment of attempted jocularity,   I thought, what’s the use of having younger friends if they die before you.

Short yet Long Term Friends

It’s not as if we were longtime friends.  In fact we’d known each other for a very short time.  But once we met, it felt as if we’d known each other forever.  In fact we may have. 

We discovered that, in our youth, not only did we like the same music, the same bands and had attended the same clubs BUT that we may actually have had friends in common.  We were fairly certain that we had likely seen each other at the various clubs and concerts we both had frequented and yet we marveled at the fact we still somehow missed each other.  Marveled that we had officially met almost 15 years later, after we both had become “domesticated”.

Agent R

Agent R had a generous heart and a big laugh.   While I’m a little more reserved, she wasn’t afraid to live life out loud.  She was always honest and up front with me, no bullshit.  We never had to blow sunshine up each other’s posteriors.  It was a revelation to finally meet someone with whom I could honestly be myself with.  I never had to pretend to be something I wasn’t.  Kinda like the way you have to put on a game face at work because the corporate world doesn’t like you to speak your mind unless it’s to regurgitate the corporate double speak nonsense.  (Not jaded, am I)?

The same, yet different

Yet, despite the similarities, we did have different styles in many ways.

While I like a neat house, she wasn’t too worried about how her place looked.  As long as it was clean enough to be healthy, she was good.

When we’d go over to her house for a meal, chaos would often reign.  Food, kids, loud music.  But that’s the way she liked it. I, on the other hand, need calm to eat otherwise my stomach lets me have it.  Nervous stomachs run in the family.

And yet in other ways we were alike.  Cheese was a food group to us, particularly when washed down with wine.   New Year’s Eve meant ska music turned up load and Agent C, Agent R and I in the living room, skanking for all we were worth.  And we loved to laugh.  Man would we laugh.

The Beginning of the End

One day I received a phone call from Agent R.  She was in the hospital, in fact in the pre-op area, waiting to go in for colon cancer surgery.  I was so shocked I don’t recall the next few moments, just Agent R crying on the other end of the phone.

The Phone Call

For the next 45 minutes, we talked.  We talked about her fears for herself, her kids, her husband.  What would become of them if she didn’t live?  Who would look out for them?  What if one of them got caught up with drugs?  I tried not to cry, tried to hold it together so I could be the strength that she desperately needed at that moment.  “What if I die?” she asked.  “You’re not going to die; do you feel like letting go?”  I asked.  “No”, she replied.

Yet the answer wasn’t overly confident.  I understood, having been in the same position, waiting for cancer surgery and not certain of the outcome.   I’ve never felt more alone in my life.

Secrets

Agent R kept how very serious her illness was from me, from everyone.  She didn’t want to have anyone feel sorry for her.  She was a very proud person.  It’s part of what made her so fierce.

We had our usual New Year’s Eve party but we didn’t do a lot of dancing.  By then Agent R had already lost a lot of weight.

Helping my Friend

In the next few months, I helped the only way she would let me, by making food.  I created vinaigrette for her salad.  I found someone in North Vancouver to get kefir grains so we could produce kefir for her.  Whatever food would make her feel good, I was willing to make.

A few of us helped organize a birthday party for one of her boys because she was too weak to do it.

Each time I saw her, she was weaker and thinner.

The Final Time

The last time I saw Agent R was at Midsummer.  She was frail and was only able to stay at the party a very short time.  It wore her out.  Yet still, I believed that she would live, simply because we all were willing her to.  We all joined in prayer at a specific time in every evening to add our spirits to her’s.  If we believed enough, she would get better.

Bad News

Husband came home one summer evening, about a month before Agent R died.  He’d just been to see her.  “She’s not going to make it,” he said soberly.  My heart broke and I began to cry in big, heaving sobs.  “Why are you crying?” he demanded angrily, “She’s not dead yet!”  I wanted to hit him for being an insensitive prick.

I managed to stop crying long enough to yell at him, “I’m not crying because she’s dying!  I’m crying because I couldn’t save my friend! Nothing we did mattered!”

The fates, God, the higher power, whatever you want to call it had lied and failed me, again.  At that moment, I knew that there was no higher power.  If there was, It was highly selective as to who It helped.

The Final Farewell

Agent R died on my 18^th wedding anniversary.  We didn’t celebrate.  I was decimated.  Many people came to the funeral to see Agent R off.  She was well loved

But not quite…….

A week later, she came to me in a dream.  I knew immediately it was her because I met her in this a quirky venue while a cabaret show was going on, ska music was playing.  We talked about life, her boys, what I wanted out of life.  It was good to see her again.

After that, she kept popping up in odd places.  Husband kept seeing women that looked like Agent R.  Her name showed up on license plates and on signs that weren’t there before.  Her name appeared on a song list.

About 3 years before, she told me about this CD – The Best Ska Album Ever.  It quite literally was, in her opinion, the best.  I checked it out on Amazon and it was unavailable or out of print.  I added it to my wish list anyway.  I checked back periodically but it was always shown as unavailable.

Exactly one month after Agent R died, I checked my Amazon wish list.  The CD became available!  A gift from a dear friend.  I ordered it immediately.  And it really is the best Ska album ever!  Agent C and I danced to it that next New Year’s Eve.  Agent R was with us in spirit.