Depression – Let’s Talk about it

Tomorrow, Bell is sponsoring “Let’s Talk”- an initiative designed to create discussions about mental health.  In recent years several celebrities have come forward to talk about their battles with depression and mental illness.

Unfortunately Robin Williams lost his battle with his dark depression demons.

The Dark

In the dark of winter on the damp coast, it’s easy to feel depressed.  The dark grey is all around you.   It’s dark in the morning when you get up and it’s dark in the afternoon when you go home from work.

Everyone has experience being depressed at some point in her life.  Most of the time you can pull out of it by going out into the sun or doing something you love to do.

But what if nothing helps?  What if you simply cannot bring yourself to do the things you love to do any more?

Been there.

I’ve been there.

It feels like all the joy in your life has been sucked away.  At its worst, all I wanted to do was crawl into bed, draw the curtains and stay there.  My vision narrowed into a long tunnel filled with gray fog.  There was no colour in my world but there was a faint light at the end of the tunnel which I kept moving towards.  But it was a hopeless pursuit because the light never got closer.

Fatigue

There were days that I was so tired, I simply could not stay awake.  On my days off, sleep is pretty much what I would do.  The only reason I would get out of bed and try to live life was for my darling little boy.   Junior couldn’t understand why mom was so tired and sad all the time.  It would take every ounce of energy in me to get up and take him out to the park, but I’d do it because he deserved it.  Otherwise I’d have little energy to do anything.  I gained lots of weight because I wasn’t exercising at all.  All I wanted to do was sit at home and hide.

Sadness & Anger

It wouldn’t take much to bring on my tears.  It felt like I was completely alone in the world, everyone was against me.  My rational brain kept trying to intercede, telling me that this feeling wasn’t real.  Unfortunately that voice became harder and harder to hear.

I’d have bouts of almost hysterical anger.  One little incident would set me off.  I couldn’t recognize the voice coming out of me.  It was high pitched and hysterical.  Afterwards I’d be deeply ashamed and feel like a worthless excuse of a human being for getting upset over so little.

I was losing all desire to participate in the outside world even though I had to get up every day, go to work, take care of junior, make food and take care of day to day household business.  I was what my counsellor called a “highly functioning depressive person”.

One day, I parked the car in the garage but didn’t turn off the engine.  I stopped for a moment to consider what it would be like if I wasn’t in the world.  A story I read long ago, called Paul’s Case by Willa Cather.  It describes a depressed young man, who in the minutes before he jumps in front of a train, realizes all the beautiful things he will never see.

“There flashed through his brain, clearer than ever before, the blue of Adriatic Water, the yellow of Algerian sands.

So, I turned off the engine and went to give my junior a hug.

Counselling

It was clear that I needed help and luckily I found a lovely, older lady who really understood.  Once I explained how I was feeling, she pointed out that no one would know.  I maintained a very solid veneer to hide behind.  The trouble was that when I was at home, that veneer would crumble.

My husband had neither patience or understanding for it.  He would just say things like, “get over it” or “you never want to do anything”.  He wouldn’t even attempt to help or be supportive.  He just didn’t understand.

Only my little boy made me feel alive.  His little hugs kept me going.  But I realized this wasn’t enough.

Drugs

It got to the point where my counsellor and I knew that therapy and St. John’s Wort would not be quite enough.  I needed chemical help.  My lovely pharmacist looked at my prescription and said, “Oh, happy pills.”  “Let’s hope,”  I said.

It took a couple of weeks but it worked.  The grey fog began to clear and light and colour crept back into my life.  I had energy to play with junior and I began to laugh again.

Emerging into the light

It wasn’t a quick process but eventually I made it to the happy side of the street again.  I began to wean myself off the chemicals.  Some withdrawal symptoms were bizarre.  I’d get mind zaps – as if a bolt of lightning hit my brain and temporarily blinded me.  Luckily that was the worst of it.

Still Working on it

Now, particularly since I’m going through divorce, there are days when the deep dark creeps back in.  Mercifully not to the same extent as it did in the past.

Some days I’m able to deal with it in a positive fashion by going out to exercise or walk in the sunlight.  At the very least, just getting outside and breathing the free air makes a difference.  Other days I’m not so successful and I’ll play computer games or drink too much wine.

BUT – the next day I get up and start again.  Each time the dark pops up and I successfully manage to send it back to the abyss, it gets easier.  I’m lucky.  Others are not able to send their darkness away and it eventually overwhelms them.

So, if you have a moment, why not join the “Let’s talk” campaign and perhaps someone you know will benefit.